What I absolutely don't want to say is...
on withdrawals and resistance
Dear reader,
My letters have become fewer. Getting to the page has been a struggle. Even today, as I sit down to write, words feel like a taste I can’t quite put a name to. I have lit a foraged piece of cedarwood, hoping the sweet smell of its smoke might clear my head.
There is much I want to write about:
How pesticides harm birds of prey
Why even are we so obsessed with water-guzzling, pollinator repelling lawn turf?
What would it look like if our mental health needs guided our career choices?
But here is what I have for today: I am weaning off an SNRI. For two years, venlafaxine has helped calm the ADHD feeling of antsy anxiety. But now, as my life circumstances have changed and my compassion for my ADHD brain is stronger, I want to check back in. Find out how my brain and body feel off the medication.
This tapering off process is scary. I am dizzy and nauseous and my brain is a fog swamp where words do not make sentences. At random, my limbs get tingly, like they’re falling asleep. What better time than this to sit down for a good old fashioned game of deep, dark reflection? ; )
JOIN ME, READER! IT’LL BE FUN!!
Maria Bowler poses some genius questions for anyone who is feeling resistance in their life or creative practice. Here’s the one I want to focus on today:
What do I already know about what’s next for me that I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THAT I KNOW? Complete the following sentence: “What I absolutely don’t want to say is ____________.” Answer at least 5 times. Explore suppressed clarity and inconvenient desires.
What I absolutely don’t want to say is that I am bored with my book project. I need to find a way to breathe new life into it.
What I absolutely don’t want to say is that - when my time is limited - spending it with my husband, friends, and family is more important to me than writing. This means I will not practice as much, develop as strongly, or publish as frequently as other, more disciplined and committed writers.
What I absolutely don’t want to say is that I have the urge to create in different mediums and the inkling feeling that I am not just a writer, but also an artist. While I know this in my bones, I am embarrassed to voice it.
What I absolutely don’t want to say is that I can’t do everything and I’m mad about that. I miss teaching yoga. I am trashing my attempts at facilitating writing spaces and need to update my website to reflect that. And I cannot make/learn/be everything I want to all at once.
What I absolutely don’t want to say is that I’m excited for conventional sustainable employment with benefits so I can buy a suburban house, rip out its lawn, plant a garden with drip irrigation, and have magical feral babies that will undoubtedly further limit my art-making time, complicate my life, and forever alter my body.
PHEW.
Your turn, reader. What do you know about what’s next for you that you don’t want to know? Please share if you feel so inclined!
Until next time,
With love, suppressed clarity, and inconvenient desires,
A
What I absolutely don't want to say is I think the American dream, Substack, fast content platforms, and grass lawns are actually all... bullshit??? (Such a strong statement it still comes off as a question in my head 😂). I don't want to say that I havent been writing AT ALL, even as the identity closest to my heart is that of 'poet'. But what I am surprised that I DO want to say is: for the time being, I find I'm extremely content at my in-person job that pays too little, I'm happy to have my daughter be lead singer while my writing sings back up (er, hums quietly). Thank you for asking and for sharing Ana! I've been thinking about what it will be like when I wean off my SSRI and I'm grateful to hear a wee bit about your experience (among many other things). 💙